Truer tweets have never been tweeted.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) June 29, 2012
Dating is like trying to find a piece of hay in a needlestack
— Shea (@sheastrauss) October 23, 2016
The strawberry ice cream in the Neapolitan container is engineered inferior to that which is sold separately. People know. They do nothing.
— Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) December 2, 2016
I’m alive, but like…only literally
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) November 30, 2016
Interview: Do you speak any other languages?
Me: I’m fluent in sarcasm and GIFs.
— Bree Bop (@breeinthestee) January 21, 2016
It makes me sad that I’ll never know what cilantro tastes like to people who like cilantro
— Willie Muse (@Williesillie2) December 2, 2016
It’s always funny when babies don’t like someone cuz they barely know how to eat but can fully know “nah fuck this dude”
— Ryan Creamer (@ryguyguyry) November 24, 2016
When you order McDonalds they should give you a second bag so you can put one over your head when you walk down the street with their food
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) December 2, 2016
My favorite yoga position is lying in bed screaming
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) December 2, 2016
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
— moody monday (@mdob11) April 25, 2014
I just want to not care about anything as much as that old lady at the mall who lit up a cigar.
— Lorie (@LorieGZ) November 14, 2016
My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I’d listened to.
— De Nada Donna (@Donna_McCoy) November 29, 2016