Cheer up, y’all. We’ve got just what you need.
big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck
— wint (@dril) November 8, 2013
If someone says “happy holidays” to you this year remind them that they are in America & there is no such thing as happiness.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 5, 2016
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
And the rib?
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
— (((OhNoSheTwitnt))) (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 1, 2015
when u find a dog at the party pic.twitter.com/Cu98i1ZFN6
— Baby Animals (@BabyAnimalPics) December 5, 2016
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
— Kat Fir (@unravelingfire) December 30, 2015
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) September 29, 2015
put this on my headstone pic.twitter.com/lQcdnkcZ8M
— Amir Khan (@AmirismyBFF) December 1, 2016
You like balloon animals?
Don’t forget they’re full of clown breath.
You’re just carrying around the sighs of a man in full make up.
— Matt O’Brien (@matt_obrien) November 14, 2016
“Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 4, 2016
me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 21, 2014
What excuse does Alvin have for not responding to his dad throughout that Chipmunks Christmas song. Respect your fucking father
— Ryan Creamer (@ryguyguyry) November 24, 2016
Her: I sell seashells
Kevin O’Leary: Mhmm
H: By the seashore
K: By the seashore
K: Where seashells are free
H: I… umm
— Ryan Dillon (@TheRyanDillon) August 17, 2016