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3 Reasons Russian Hackers Filled My Computer With Sonic Porn (That My Wife Won't Accept)

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My dear wife, surely you’re aware of the allegations from the CIA that the Russians were responsible for the hack that plagued Hillary Clinton throughout her 2016 presidential campaign, yes? The Russian-led hack was designed to harm her chances while bolstering those of Donald Trump. Sadly, their cruel actions were not limited to just the campaign of Hillary Clinton.

Please, stop packing that suitcase and listen to me for one moment. You’re playing right into Putin’s hands by yelling at me and calling me a “pervert” and demanding a divorce. This is exactly what the Kremlin wanted when they OBVIOUSLY hacked my computer to make it APPEAR as though I had been relentlessly searching “rouge from sonic the hedgehog but with huger boobs taking a dump” over the past several years.

1. I’m too great a danger to Putin’s political goals

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Above: just an example of the kind of thing I would never be searching for, despite what the Russians WANT you to think.

Think about it – I’m a huge danger to Putin’s iron grip on the Russian state, with my constant sharing of John Oliver clips on Facebook and calling Donald Trump “Donald Drumpf” so often on Twitter to my dozens of followers. It’s in Russia’s best interests to smear my good name by filling my browser history with hundreds of searches for fan art to confirm whether or not Sonic the Hedgehog’s dick is blue or flesh-colored.

2. The Russians knew that our strong, loving marriage was my greatest asset

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The Russians needed to take me out, but they couldn’t make it obvious it was them – they had to use their hacking skills to make it appear as though I had been staying up late and sneaking off to the bathroom to Google “does knuckles the echidna have pierced nips.” By doing so, they could distance me from my closest allies – namely you, my dear beloved wife – and weaken me through isolation, like when you told all of our friends that you were divorcing me for being a “creepy asshole who was jacking it to videogame cartoons of hedgehog feet pics.” They knew that without our strong, perfect marriage, I would no longer pose the grave threat to Putin’s reign that I once did.

Have you forgotten the Cold War, honey? This is what we spent so many years fighting against.

3. The Russians knew they could undermine the very foundation of marriage in the United States by delving into my private browser history

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Above: the sicko dictator who thinks he can expose a man’s private normal searches for Sonic the Hedgehog wearing a diaper and sucking on Knuckles’ toes.

Whether or not I spent entire weekends fantasizing about what it would look like if Sonic the Hedgehog had been transformed into a urinal is besides the point – the REAL point is that Russian influence in our lives CANNOT be tolerated. By leaving me and telling the kids that their dad “wanks his rod to the thought of Sega mascots being turned into toilets”, you’re just empowering Vladimir Putin into destroying more marriages. You’re letting the despot win.

We have a patriotic duty to resist this obvious ploy, do we not?

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Above: something I did not save to my Dropbox and certainly do not find erotic in the least.

It’s no coincidence that Sonic the Hedgehog fought the twisted Doctor Ivo Robotnik – a name clearly meant to imply Russian origin. And yes, I will not deny being a fan of the works of Sonic the Hedgehog – and as a red-blooded human being, it would be crazy to pretend like I didn’t find the thought of an anthromorphized hedgehog being mutated into a toilet the slightest bit erotic. But none of that excuses the Russians’ actions of exposing my private Google searches that I did on our family laptop that is mostly used by our rude 9 year old son to watch Minecraft videos.

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Above: something I would never, ever search for, no matter how majestic and sensual it is.

That’s why I’m asking you – nay, BEGGING you – to reconsider: do you want to live in a world where Vladimir Putin decides the fates of marriages across the world, or do you want to live in a world where we STAND UP to his fascist ideals and say “you have NO RIGHT to interfere with a hard-working man’s unsettling obsession with Sonic the Hedgehog”? I know how I would answer.

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Now, please, at least open the door so I can retrieve my blue-colored fleshlight.

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