Are you a nerdy, weak white guy stereotype who just can’t get anything done without a cool black guy stereotype to help them out? Well, good news – Hollywood has just the genre for you!
Need help learning how to woo women? Hitch can help you!
Need help, uh, pretending to have friends so your fiancee doesn’t figure out you’re a nerdy loser? The Wedding Ringer can help you!
Need help preparing yourself for prison? …actually this one is handled a little more delicately, as Kevin Hart isn’t some hyper-cool guy who does this professionally, but gets thrown into the situation by accident and is stumbling his way through, but the basic structure is still the same.
The Bible sits as the foundation for billions of people’s religious lives – and as a result, the stories are pretty well-known. Well, that – and the fact that they’ve been making movies based on biblical tales since the dawn of cinema itself. So it’s hard, at this point, to take a biblical story and make a giant, $100 million+ epic film with the expectation of surprising anyone.
You can’t make a giant blockbuster Moses movie, because we all know exactly what’s going to happen – no matter how much you make the trailers look like a Lord of the Rings movie. Making a blockbuster out of Noah is just confusing – even if the poster does have that cool “main character has his back turned and is looking towards something huge and badass.” And remaking Ben-Hur is just….confusing.
Listen – if I was a comedy superstar like Adam Sandler, I would do the exact same thing: stop giving a shit, and start cashing million dollar paychecks for movies I make just to take a free vacation with my pals. This isn’t a joke or me projecting either – Sandler has admitted to doing exactly this in interviews. And why shouldn’t he? If you CAN do this and make tons of money, you’d be kinda dumb not to.
The problem is that this isn’t great for the audience, who has to sit through these crummy, joke-free films while constantly trying to thinking to themselves “…but Billy Madison was good, right?”
(it totally was)
With the success of The Hunger Games, Hollywood stumbled over itself to get as many other YA dystopian novels adapted into movies ASAP. That’s how you get a version of The Giver co-starring Taylor Swift, a series about mazes that turns into a confusing story about Littlefinger and solar flares, and then the Divergent series – a series so underwhelming that the studio refused to finance the final film as a feature release, instead slashing the budget and relegating it to a TV movie (without any of the stars).
So – maybe think twice before financing another YA dystopian teen drama, Hollywood.
There was a period in the mid-2000s where Vince Vaughn could do no wrong – Old School, Wedding Crashers, Fred Claus…well, okay, Fred Claus was kinda a misfire. And by “kinda” I mean “completely” – enough to more or less soil Vince Vaughn’s trademark motormouth style of comedy for everyone.
So when movies about Vince Vaughn being a wacky, irresponsible sperm donor (Delivery Man), or a wacky, irresponsible Google intern (The Internship), or a wacky, irresponsible…well, you get the idea. These are movies that probably would have KILLED in the mid-2000s, but for some reason weren’t produced until the mid-2010’s, where they promptly failed, since no one really wants this from Vince Vaughn anymore.
To be fair to Mr. Vaughn, he’s actually pretty good in things that aren’t bad comedies with him as the lead character, like season 2 of True Detective and Hacksaw Ridge. So please, Mr. Vaughn, just do stuff like that instead.
The problem with these live action Disney remakes is that they make SO MUCH MONEY, so there’s no real incentive for Disney to stop them. And they’re actually mostly fine movies, so it’s hard to criticize them so hard, except that THERE IS NO REASON FOR THEM TO EXIST.
Seriously, take a look at the trailer for the upcoming Beauty and the Beast movie, and it’s clear that this is more or less a shot-for-shot remake of the animated film – with little-to-no additional thought put into the film to add in more from the original fairy tale, or other versions, or any sense of originality.
Wanna know how lazy Disney is getting with this? They’re working on the live action remake of The Lion King (which should surprise nobody), starring Donald Glover as Simba (seems like good casting, since he can sing) and as Mufasa….James Earl Jones. AKA the SAME GUY WHO VOICED THE SAME CHARACTER IN THE ORIGINAL. That’s not meant to be a slight against Mr. Jones, who has a booming, powerful voice and is always great casting, but is a sign of how little Disney is even trying at this point.
Reminder: Mark Wahlberg seriously said he would be able to stop 9/11 if he was on one of the planes hijacked by terrorists.