For better or worse, Donald Trump’s Twitter is one of the biggest forces in modern politics. When he sends out a 140-characters-or-less message, the world explodes with reactions for the rest of the day, no matter how nonsensical or banal the tweet is. The point is, everyone seems to react VERY strongly to Trump’s tweets (and yet mine struggle to get more than 3 retweets? What an unfair world).
1. “Guys, this is THE PRESIDENT now – he SHOULD NOT be tweeting this kind of stuff!”
Reminder: Nixon purposely messed up Vietnam peace talks to extend the war and kept a personal enemies list that included actor Paul Newman. It’s not like every President in history is some grand, sanctimonious figure who never does/says crude stuff. LBJ talked about his dick all the time. If Andrew Jackson had access to Twitter, you KNOW he woulda been tweeting racist stuff 24/7. Stop pretending like “being President” should magically somehow make you not a weird loud asshole.
Besides – you know Trump is thinking this stuff already – what difference does it make if he tweets it?
2. “Ugh – everyone needs to STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS TWEETS!”
The fact that Donald Trump will soon be President and still regularly tweets the same kinda weird nonsense he was doing years ago when he was a reality TV host is objectively fascinating – of COURSE people are gonna pay attention to the President-Elect saying stuff, especially when it’s done in a (relatively) radical fashion that really has no precedent.
3. “These tweets are just a DISTRACTION from the REAL STUFF THAT’S GOING ON!”
If there’s ONE thing we know about Donald Trump, it’s that he does not have the level of impulse control to devise 4th dimensional chess-type schemes to distract the populace from his ACTUAL devious plans with outrage over his tweets. He just…likes to tweet. That’s his thing. He likes the attention and the instant gratification it brings, like literally everyone else on every form of social media.
Keep in mind his campaign literally had to wrest away access to his Twitter in the last days of the presidential election because that was the only way to guarantee he wouldn’t go on late night tweet rants.
For some reason, Donald Trump and Chris Evans are constantly being called “daddy” on Twitter whenever they tweet anything, even though I’m pretttttttttty sure most of the people responding that way are not their children.
5. “Thank you for speaking THE TRUTH! #MAGA #TrumpTrain #DrainTheSwamp #DeplorablesUnite #AmericaFirst #HashtagsAreNeat”
They ALWAYS have the word “Deplorable” in their Twitter name and have about 50 tweets complaining that Black Lives Matter is the reason for all of the world’s problems.
6. “How DARE you speak so crudely, sir. I challenge you to a debate of LOGIC. Unless you want to appear a coward in front of my 23 followers, that is!”
Listen – Donald Trump LOVES to tweet, but he is sure as hell not READING anyone else’s tweets, particularly not any of the replies to his own tweets. Go ahead and click on literally any Trump tweet ever and you’ll find approximately 100,000 replies – do you really think he’s checking all of them, let alone actually RESPONDING to them?!
7. “THE SJW CUCKS ARE BEHIND #PIZZAGATE PLEASE PRESIDENT TRUMP YOU MUST INVESTIGATE! CHECK OUT truthrealnotfakenews.net”
Ah, the reliable source of a random website that appears to have been designed by a rabies-infected wolf who just figured out WordPress that makes the accusation that the entire Democratic Party goes to a pizza place to molest children without any actual evidence. Yes, Trump is definitely going to make this priority number one.
8. “You have TINY HANDS and you look ORANGE and your hair is FAKE! Ha, you have officially been owned via my biting putdowns.”
No, your unoriginal lame Trump meme jokes are not having any effect on anything. They’re not pissing him off, they’re not dissuading any of his supporters, and they’re not inspiring anyone to oppose him. But worst of all, they’re making political comedy even worse (and political comedy is already pretty awful).
9. “HOW DID I LOSE TO THIS GUY?”
Well, this really only applies to one person.
10. “That was a great tweet – wow, such an amazing tweet. Many people are saying this, very respected people, that this is the best tweet they’ve ever seen. Believe me, they all say I’m the best at tweeting. Look at the retweets. No one gets more retweets than I do. Wow. Just fabulous.”
Again, only one person, really.
11. “Is there a print button on this Twitter? C’mon, someone help me here.”
Yes, this really happened. God bless you, Bernie.
12. “Oh thank god, this is like 5 hours worth of material.” – Every News Organization