Fellas with monster trouser-snakes know the truth – it ain’t easy having a huge pants-salami! Sure everyone thinks it’s easy street having a colossal wiener, but as a large weewee-haver myself, I can tell you the truth: it can be pretty annoying sometimes!
1. Everyone else in the locker room gawks at your humongo dong
2. Have to wear really restrictive underwear to keep your massive wang in check
3. Can’t wear skinny jeans unless you want everyone to see your long schlong
4. Honestly can’t wear shorts either
5. It’s actually longer than pants too
6. It’s 12 feet long, flaccid. In the cold.
7. So much blood rushes to my dick when I get an erection I pass out
8. If I get horny I could die
9. Pissing is just an unbelievable ordeal, you don’t even want to know
10. I got a cursed monkey’s paw and wished for a 12-inch pianist but I think it misheard me
11. Monkey’s paws don’t have ears so I’m not really sure how it understood me at all if we’re being honest
12. I have to ball up my tentacle-like dick every time I take a shit, or else my dick will mostly just fill up the toilet bowl and I’ll get shit all over my dick (figured this out the hard way)
13. My doctor tells me there’s no such thing as a “penis-shortening operation,” and that he wouldn’t risk it anyways since my dick has been cursed with voodoo magic and he (rightfully) doesn’t want to mess with that
14. I already wasted all of my other wishes for the monkey’s paw on getting a slightly-used jet ski (a little foolish in hindsight, I will admit)
15. I tried riding the jet ski and my dick got loose and started slapping against the water at 30mph and I have never experienced pain like that
16. I accidentally got an erection and passed out at the park once and a kid thought my dick was a rope and started yanking on it and I got arrested for indecent exposure even though I’m pretty sure that should count as assault against me but whatever
17. I tried cutting it off but it just grew back the next day, like The Santa Clause or something, except if Tim Allen was cursed with a 12 foot dick
18. Did Tim Allen’s pubes turn white when he was transforming into Santa Claus too? Or just the hair on his head? Whatever, that dude had it pretty easy compared to the nightmare I’m living.
19. They don’t make condoms in this size (not that it really matters, everyone I’ve been nude in front of runs away in terror when they see my dick. Also the whole “erection = passing out since it deprives blood from the rest of my body” thing)
20. I got so desperate that I tried hanging myself by tying my schlong into a noose, but I guess the monkey paw also cursed me with immortality or something because it didn’t do anything to me. Now I am forced to walk this Earth forever with an impossibly large crotch-rocket that makes every waking moment a living hell.