Well, the GOP has finally revealed their long-awaited replacement for the Affordable Care Act – and, unsurprisingly, it’s great! It’s so great and exciting and we can’t wait for it to go into effect so we can get healthier than ever before. And because we’re so excited about it, we decided to highlight the 21 best parts of the bill – enjoy!
1. A free poster of Paul Ryan pumping iron to motivate you to stay healthy!
2. An old-timey doctor will stop by your home once a year to see if you have consumption or laudanum-poisoning
3. 10% off chemo treatments if your cancer was caused by exposure to radioactive material accidentally spilled on you by one of Mike Huckabee’s large sons
4. Ritalin for dogs – for free!
5. Free band-aids, but the kind that are way too sticky and rip off your skin a little when you try to take them off
6. Free birth control for all (in the form of a sweaty, t-shirt-wearing poster of Trump in the same position as the Paul Ryan pumping iron poster that will discourage you from ever having sex again)
7. Ritalin for dogs is now $5,000 sorry 🙁
8. An app for your phone that will analyze sores, infections, bruises, etc. on your body by saying “It’s fine. It’ll go away in a couple days.” in a calm, reassuring voice
9. That machine at Walgreen’s that takes your blood pressure is your doctor now
10. Free DVD set of House – The Complete Third Season (with only the 2nd disc missing)
11. We’re replacing ambulances with Uber
12. If you make more than $1 million a year, you get that cool bacta tank from Empire Strikes Back that like instantly heals all your wounds or whatever. If you make less than $1 million you get a gently-soiled autograph of Nien Nunb.
13. A free pamphlet: “George Washington Didn’t Need Teeth and Neither Do You!”
14. You asked for it, and you’re getting it – Universal Healthcare! That’s right, all of the executives (vice president and above) at Universal Pictures gets free healthcare. Wait why are you making that face
15. When you cough up blood in the ER waiting hours to see a doctor, we’ll provide the cleaning supplies for you to clean up your mess free of charge!
16. Hospitals will be converted into “Health Labyrinths” – reach the center before sundown, and you’ll get a free skincare consultation from Dr. Minotaur!
17. All the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins you can eat! (limit 2 per citizen)
18. Know the part with the water in Mad Max: Fury Road? That but with penicillin.
19. The Hunger Games but for insulin
20. Kids with pre-existing conditions get a free pat on the back and compassionate rustling of the hair by Mike Pence (no smiles)
21. You know how they say “laughter is the best medicine”? We’ve decided to take that literally.