1. It Involves Our Most Hilarious Body Parts
We’ll start with the obvious: genitals are weird looking. They are so odd that humanity invented TWO layers of clothing to keep them under wraps at all times. Dicks look like God didn’t know what to do with some extra skin so he bunched it all up and hid it somewhere out of the way. Vaginas, meanwhile, look like someone chopped the mouth off of one of Godzilla’s enemies and put it between a set of legs. Don’t even get me started on asses. At the end of the day, sex essentially entails picking two of the dumbest body parts in existence and rubbing them together, which, when you think about it, is downright ridiculous.
2. The Faces are Weird
Quick: Make the stupidest face you can think of! That’s probably what you look like during sex. I don’t know how it’s possible, but sex faces somehow manage to look like the facial representation of rubbing two sets of genitalia together. There’s a reason people close their eyes when they kiss. I don’t care if you’re George Clooney’s super classy wife, when you’re in the throws of passion you will look stupid, and I’m convinced that the only reason pheromones exists it to counteract that fact that sex faces would otherwise be the ultimate boner killer that would lead to the extinction of the human race.
3. The Sounds are Weird Too
So we’re on top of one another, rubbing our naughty bits together and making faces like we’ve been holding in a fart for three days. How do we make it stupider? Let’s throw some awful sounds in there too. Sex sounds are like someone recorded a dog begging for food then fooled around with the pitch on a computer. A human’s sex noises are a shameful secret that should be kept secret forever and if you don’t believe me, think about this: Have you ever accidentally heard someone having sex in another room? Didn’t it instantly change how you view that person forever? Yeah, thought so.
4. Dirty Talk is Always Dumb
Moaning like some kind of gay goblin isn’t the only noise people make during sex. Sometimes they add words to the mix! Artists spend years trying to accurately express the beauty of love. Saying the first thing you’re feeling while you’re stuffing your hog up a hoo probably won’t have quite the same poetry. Sex talk sounds like an out of breath toddler trying to describe why he likes something with his very limited vocabulary. Even if someone does manage to eke out a coherent sentence, it’s usually disgusting and only acceptable because of the weird hormones that are controlling your body at the moment. I mean, have you ever heard a sentence as viscerally upsetting as “You feel so good”? I shuddered just typing that.
5. There’s Goo Involved
Everything I’ve just described is all build up to an ending that’s touted as the greatest moment of ecstasy than anyone has ever, and, okay, it’s alright. But for something called a “Climax” it’s incredibly anti-climactic. The female orgasm is pretty cool, I guess, but have you ever seen a dude cum? For all the oohs and ahs, it kinda just looks like someone it is shooting the last bits of water out of a dimestore squirt gun with a jammed trigger. What’s worse is that what’s being shot is GODDAMN SLIME!!!! I’m sorry, but am I wrong in thinking that, when He was inventing sex, God could have come up with a more creative way to end life’s greatest pleasure than the producers of Nickelodeon’s Double Dare. (Note: If your version of sex does not involve a penis, then it’s slightly less silly. It’s still gooey and weird though.)