Super Smash Bros. is one of the greatest games in history for two reason: 1) You got to beat the shit out of things. 2) You got to do it with characters you already loved. With that in mind, I decided to rank all the characters in the original game to determine once and for all which of these great characters are the greatest. Here is the definitive ranking of the original, N64 Super Smash Bros. characters.
Let me put it bluntly: Captain Falcon sucks. His one redeeming quality is his cool-ass, fiery bird punches, but any goodwill from that is negated by him screaming his catchphrase whenever he does it. Add to that the fact that he’s the least memorable character on the list by far and he looks like an extra in a very kinky gay porno, and Captain Falcon is easily the worst character in the original game.
Luigi is so pitiful that I kinda feel bad putting him this far down on the list, but that said, he’s probably used to coming up short by now. Though his sheer patheticness makes him slightly more lovable than his boringass older brother, he gives off a vibe that makes me think I could probably kick his ass if I wanted to. That’s not really what you want from a fighter…
Don’t get me wrong: I love Mario. He’s the star of some of the greatest games ever released and he will always have hold a special place in my heart. In the world of Smash Bros., though, he’s just super boring. He’s white bread and a glass of water for dinner. There’s nothing wrong with him, but he’s just such a boring choice for such a great game. There’s no reason to continue writing about him, and there’s CERTAINLY no reason to ever pick him.
Though we know that Samus’s armor hides a very beautiful woman, unfortunately we didn’t really get a good look at her until two games later. What we do see is a character who should be a lot cooler than she is. Other iterations of Samus are insanely badass robots, but in the original Smash Bros. she kinda just looks like a Transformer midway to becoming a boombox. That said, she poops landmines and has a blaster arm, so she can’t be all bad.
UGH. It hurts me to put Link this far down on the list because…well, he’s Link! Unfortunately, the game chose the worst iteration of Link to represent. Rather than being a plucky young pixie boy, Smash Bros. Link is a disaster of puberty that looks like an angsty teen who just discovered Hot Topic. At the end of the day, though, he’s still Link and he’s awesome, no matter how much he sucks.
Yoshi is cute as hell, and impossible not to love. But if you stop to think about him as a fighter for two seconds, he’s kinda lame. His go to moves are licking people and throwing eggs. Lame. Dive a little deeper are you realize that he gets those eggs by either shitting them out or menstruating on command. Lamer. Also, disgusting.
Jigglypuff is adorable and, in the hands of the right player, arguably the strongest character in the game. That said, she could not possibly be wimpier. It’s a pink balloon that sings lullabies. I love her, but not in the context of a fighting game.
Fox is fine. There’s not a lot else to say about him.
Pikachu is iconic because he’s an adorable badass, and the Smash. Bros incarnation is no different. Not only is he cute as hell, but he has the ability to literally summon lightning from the skies like the fluffy little god that he is. He loses points because it’s a little annoying hearing him scream “Pika!” over and over again, but other than that, he’s pretty perfect.
Donkey Kong is a gigantic gorilla who can send people flying with a single punch and cause earthquakes by pounding the ground. He is also a dapper gorilla wearing a sweet ass necktie. If I need to say more to prove to you that he’s awesome, you clearly don’t have a soul.
Honestly, who didn’t want to be Ness? He was a lovable everyman with really cool, godlike powers and a sweetass sideways cap. If you were a young kid Smashing it up, it was impossible not to look up to him in some way.
Kirby is the best, and you know it. He’s as cute as Jigglypuff but can fight like Link. Not only does he have some of the best, coolest moves in the entire game, but he can also steal other people’s cool moves to boot. Add to that the fact that I’d give my left testicle to give him a hug and you have the indisputable champion of Super Smash Bros. Bow down.